
Today I had my big nose appointment. Read on for the exciting and disgusting story!
The last time I broke my nose bad enough to need a nose appointment, I met with the nose doc and set up a time for a surgery. I figured today would be the same. Instead, the doctor poked around a little bit then shouted down the hall, "come in here, Sue, I've got a nose to break." Amazingly, this may have only been his third best quote.
So I'm sitting there, thinking about getting my nose re-broken. I was pretty nervous. My hands were getting all clammy, and I was asking a bunch of questions. Doc wasn't saying much. "Yep", "nope", "eh, doesn't really matter." Sue, on the other hand, was telling me how her son freaked out when his nose was reset, and then telling me how brave I was. Thanks, Sue. Can I take this Highlights with me when I leave? I already did the maze...
Sue's in the supply cubby getting the anesthesia ready and the doctor closes the door to the office. Here come the money quotes. Patrick, you're going to want to write these down. First, the doctor says, "better make it four mL, this is a big nose."
Seriously. This guy looks at noses all day for a living and he's commenting on the size of mine. Despite all the jibes over all the years I can truly say that I had never considered it particularly large until now. That must put my dad in the running nationally. I wonder if they have a father-son bracket...
Not 15 seconds later, he busts out, "Oh, and lets get that operation gown we've been saving. It'll probably be a bleeder." That's right, no standard, flimsy nose-breaking bib for me. I get the full frontal gown with knit cuffs and a panic handle.
With doc's hilarity out of the way, we can finally move on to the actual procedure. He said the worst part would be the anesthesia, and he was right. Basically he stuck the syringe up my nostril, halfway to my brain and blood starts squirting everywhere. Then I feel the anesthesia and blood dripping down my throat. Mmm, one nostril down... one to go!
With both nostrils sedated, it's time to do the breaking. I was really expecting this to be terrible, but it wasn't too bad at all. Basically he pushed on one side and there was some crunching. Then he stuck a big metal thing up my nose and did some kajiggering for a bit more crunching. Kind of gross sounding, but it didn't hurt at all and there was barely any blood.
After that, he put on the little nose cast you see above and sent me on my way. Nose cast stays on for six days. No basketball for three weeks. LeBron mask optional upon my return.
Send me pity presents!



